Any good jokes ?

My wife said she wanted to try role-play in the bedroom to spice things up.
"Why don't we try 'doctors and nurses'?" She asked.
That night I came as Harold Shipman, that'll teach her.

Women. Prevent sexist workmen from shouting "Get yer tits out!" by having them permanently on display.

America: a country where people believe the moon landing is fake, but wrestling is real.

Ben & Jerry, the two unfortunate buggers who complete a fat girl's threesome.

Why shouldn't you fuck a fat bird with AIDS?
What, you need a third reason?

My wife is always sexually frustrated at this time of year
The kids keep nicking all her batteries.

I called my wife a dickhead earlier. We started rowing and she said “If you wanna see a dickhead, you should try looking in the mirror.”
So I did, and sure enough there was Peter Andre on page 16 looking every inch a cock.

What do you call an American who doesn't fuck his sister?
An only child.

This week Tesco have 1,021,000 baskets cheaper than Asda, Morrisons and Sainsburys.
To be honest I'm not really bothered. Who the fuck needs that many baskets anyway?

How much does the average American have to eat, before he weighs 18 stone?
Fuck all for about 3 years should do the trick!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course, he was right again.
Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff. She is very upset and crying loudly.
"What are you doing up here?" says the man.
"I’m going to kill myself," replied the woman.
"Well, before you do, what about letting me fuck you in the ass?" said the man.
The woman proceeds to let him fuck her in the ass and it's the best one the guy can remember.
"Anyway, why do you want to kill yourself?" asks the man.
"Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman."

My mates were taking the piss out of a German guy on the train, making jokes about the War and stuff.
He looked at us and said, "You know, there really is no pleasure to be gained in boasting about winning two World Wars."
How the fuck would he know?

I can't believe Jordan's "written" another book. She must be the only person on the planet to have written more books than she's read.

I was watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' last night and I couldn't help but think to myself that, if I was on the show, I would definitely use 118 Directory Enquiries as my phone-a-friend option.

I read an article the other day which claimed that over 70% of bishops are gay.
Imagine if they changed the rules of chess now to acknowledge this fact... the bishops would still move in the same directions but could only be taken from behind.

My mates just got back from a two week holiday .. I asked him to bring me some fags back and he`s just been and gave me 200 ... I said: "Cheers mate, how much were they ?" ... He said: "£60" ... I said: "£60, where you been?" He said: "Butlins" ..............

What`s the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, it`s not your phlegm..........

A bloke and his new girlfriend were undressing in the bedroom. First, she spotted a NIKE tattoo on his shoulder. Then, as he took off more clothes, she saw a REEBOK tattoo on his ankle..`This bloke`s got a training shoe fetish` she thought.....
Then when he removed his last item of clothing, she recoiled in horror. For there on his penis was the tattoo AIDS...#"No way am I going near that!#"she shrieked....
#“Relax#” he said. #“In a minute it`ll say ADIDAS“.............

“Good afternoon, ladies“ said Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a London park bench...
#“Do you know those women?#“ asked his faithful companion, Dr Watson..
#”No“ said Holmes as the pair continued walking, #“I don`t know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride“
#”Good heavens, Holmes! If you don`t know them, how can you be so sure that they are what you say?“ said Watson.....
#”Elementary, my dear Watson“ explained Holmes, glancing back..#”Do you see how they are eating their bananas?”
#”Well, Watson, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she puts in her mouth“
#“I see what you mean, Holmes. That`s amazing! What about the prostitute?”
#“She holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth“
#“Holmes, you`ve surpassed yourself! But how do you know the other woman is a new bride?#“ Simple# said Holmes. #“She holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana#“.............

The pilot of an Irish Airlines 747 was briefing his co-pilot on the landing procedures at their next destination. #This is a short runway# he said, #and I`II need all your help on the flaps, thrust reversers and brakes for this one# Roger that# said the co-pilot, #let`s go#… As they approached the airfield, the co-pilot commented: #Wow, that`s the shortest runway I`ve ever seen# The pilot called for half flaps#you have half flaps#confirmed the co-pilot. As they got closer, the pilot said: #Better give me three quarter flaps Roger, you have three quarter flaps said the co-pilot. shouted the pilot, #this looks even shorter than I remember. Give me full flaps and stand by on the brakes and thrust reversers! You have full flaps, and standing by# said the co-pilot. As the wheels touched down on the runway, the pilot immediately called for full braking and full thrust reversers. The co-pilot complied, and as the plane came to a shuddering halt inches from the end of the runway, the pilot, wiping sweat from his brow, exclaimed: #Bejasus# that`s the fucking shortest runway I`ve ever seen in my life! the co-pilot said, looking out both windows, #But look at the width of the fucker!

Rules Of Bedroom Golf:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players maybe embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes that may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are advised to get the owners permission before playing the rear course.
14. Slow play is encouraged, but players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

A man was playing a golf course for the first time and was struggling to find his way around. So he asked a woman who was up ahead which hole he was on. #I`m on the sixth# she said, #and you#are a hole behind me, so you must be playing the fifth# He thanked her for her help, but then became disorientated once more on the back nine. Again, he called out to her and asked her which hole he was playing. #I`m on the fourteenth##and you`re a hole behind me, so you must be on the thirteenth#At the end of his round, he bumped into the woman in the clubhouse and bought her a drink in return for her assistance. As they got chatting, he asked her what line of work she was in. #You`ll laugh when I tell you#she said, #but I sell Tampax# he replied, #I sell toilet paper. So I guess that still makes me a hole behind you!

It is the opening debate of the 2009 World Women`s Conference on the subject of female assertiveness.......

The first speaker from Canada, stood up. “At last year`s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I still saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb“

The crowd applauded......

The second speaker, from France, stood up. “After last year`s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry, and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, After the second day I still saw nothing, But after the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well.”

The crowd cheered.......

The third speaker, from Glasgow, stood up. “After last year`s conference ah went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin`, cleanin` or shoppin` and that he wid haftae dae it hissel. Efter the first day ah saw nuhin. Efter the second day ah still saw nuhin. But efter the third day ah I could jist see a wee bit oot o ma left eye“!!#