Any good jokes ?

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick
the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'


'Couple of minutes ago.'

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

I like it, I like it.

A very astute lady indeed.

You have to have a sense of humour to live in GLASGEE!

Proof That The World Is Nuts




In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No Golf Clubs . . . I hear a 3 iron works well.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England &n bsp;- but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet..

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

NEWCASTLE TAXI FARE

One rainy spring night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. “Walker Road "answered the woman."
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at?”

"Well Pet, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and
I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Haven`t you got owt smaller?"

I ordered a chinese last night, when the chinky bloke came to the door he said: "Twenty pound please" .. I said: "What`s the name of Jordan`s cross-eyed kid?" He said: "Halfey Price" .. so I replied: "Nice one, there`s a tenner, now **** off" ......

South African police admit they`re having trouble with drug dealers, thieves and sex fiends ... They`ve confirmed that things will improve when John Terry and his family go home ....

Bloke walks into a Brothel and says: "I`m a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies: "£37.50" ... he replies: "WOW, what do i get for that?" she says: "A F***ing England Shirt" ....