Any good jokes ?

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful.


2nd kid says "A car" and gets a similar answer.

Johnny says " At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Johnny replies, "No I'm sure."

"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying
"Well thats all we fucking need.".

OK this an 18 certificate!!!!

I'm sick of the double standards in my relationship,
wife comes home with a ''rampant rabbit'' and she's a naughty fun girl with a special new toy,

But when i order 240volt
''fistmaster 5000 latex pussy,
with realistic elasticated arsehole and spunk collection tray'',
then i'm some kind of sick bastard!.

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

If your parents ever accuse you of lying, look at them and say
“Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny…..”
I got into trouble once for lying so I used that argument.
Of course, the parental responded with
“Every parent says that..”
Being the smart ass that I am, I replied with
“If every parent jumped off a bridge, would you?”
Needless to say I’m not in trouble anymore

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her *****, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do
that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."

You must read this with a chinese accent.


A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

A man goes into Chapter's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy."

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ode to a penis
I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.


It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.


It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.


It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.

The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel.

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"

a 15 year old boy is telling the priest about his uncle abusing him

and says...'i went to sleep then heard him coming in my room!
then he got under the blankets! then he started to kiss me!
then he undone my pyjama top and touched me here!
then he started taking my bottoms off!
then i cannot remember what happened next....'

wanking furiously the priest says...'well fuckin make somethin up ....'.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they
rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a very boisterous "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"

It was so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he
let her off at the local service station and yelled for one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" as
she slid of the horse, then he rode off.

"What the heck did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse,

put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn, so that I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

AW Shit........Thats me fu****d















Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very miscschievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life......

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.

"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times in England .....

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."



The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."



The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
----------------------------------
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London ...

Fernando Torres.....
Not as famous as his brother Clit....

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his
seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord !
play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind
impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody
for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a
jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a
jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the
place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical
expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no.
Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap
doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage
" OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".


The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.............
“A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... .

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom
and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury
is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless
your husband stops his antics.


Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would sausages and a Calor
gas stove.

7.
September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9.
November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were. ( My favourite )

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13.
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14.
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager
by:.

Gay fathers!!


Elton John and David Furnish decide to have a baby.


They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.


When the baby was born, they rush to the hospital.


A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming but over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.


A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child is theirs.


"Isn't it wonderful!" Elton says to David. "All these unhappy babies and yet our baby is so happy.


This just proves the superiority of gay love!"


The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his backside".

Ben has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start kissing and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"No way!" she says. "I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I’ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it’s just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What’s wrong ? !" she cries.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

Longest Nerve in the Body?



Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?



It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.



If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.








.


_________________
don't worry be happy happy happy

this is a big big joke

my wage slip ahahhaaa

Beck's baby girl Harper Seven was evidently named after Posh's favourite magazine and his favourite number! I've never heard of anything more perposterous or ridiculous; as I said to my youngest daughter Razzle 69 at breakfast .....