Any good jokes ?

I went to get on a bus this morning and the driver says, i am jampacked full. I said i couldnt give a toss what your name is, how much is it to the terminus .....

The other day i saw Didier Drogba in London, sensing an opportunity to make some money, i asked him for a quick autograph, he replied 'sure' and signed it. Funny that, i never knew his real name was "Venus Williams" ....

Watching the Women's World Cup reminded me of when I was first learning the controls to FIFA .....

Deal or No Deal is so unrealistic.

Getting your bank manager to call you is hard enough but getting someone who speaks English is pushing it ....

Paddys wife gave birth to triplets.How in gods name did that happen ? says paddy.His wife replies,Remember that night i was very dry and we had no vaseline ,so i used 3 in 1 oil? Bejaysus says paddy im glad we didn,t use WD40! .....

Don`t Steal ..... The Government Don`t Like Competition .....

Two young boys walked into a chemist, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

woman said to her husband, "I feel awful, I have a cold"
Husband says, "Well go on a diet then"
the woman asks, "what does that have to do with me having a cold"
husband replies, "because you've always got your head in the fikkin fridge"