Any good jokes ?

A mother sits her two sons aged 3 & 5 in front of the TV to watch a DVD so she and her boyfriend can go upstairs. After about 20 minutes the 5 year old goes looking for their mum. He looks into her bedroom, and stands open mouthed for a minute. He then goes downstairs and gets his 3 year old brother, they both stand looking into her bedroom and the older boy says " remember, she smacks us for sucking our thumbs"

Three tips for men over fifty.


1, Never waste the chance to have a pee.


2, Never trust a fart.


3, Never waste an erection, even if you are on your own.

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall
bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over,
and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,
my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales
attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door,
the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,
he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:
once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'


She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

NEWSFLASH ............
The pope refused to kiss the tarmac at Edinburgh airport as it's over 8 years old .......

After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus the pope was said to be not the least bit surprised his priests were shagging young boys.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

The George Michael Diaries - September 2010

Day 1) Woke up and was forced to suck off another man. Went for a shower and got raped by 2 blokes...one of whom was black. Finished the night off with a few hand jobs for some of the guys and I let one handsome bloke give me a blow job.

Day 2) Got found guilty and jailed for driving under the influence of drugs

In the sleepy village of Erbum ..near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land lady of the local pub, the Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post.

Linda Lykes,
the Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all six cans hit him on the
head!

The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next
Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of
bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start
finding the dead ones.

I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber
jacket. Touchy bastards!

I booked X Factor prostitute Chloe Mafia to come to my hotel room. She turned up and I told her I fancied a bit of S&M and torture.

She said," Would you liked to be whipped, nipple clamps or a bit of hot wax?"

I said," No, I want you to sing."

What does Chantelle from big brother and Leeds United have in common ???

They both got fucked from behind by Preston ......

So after a long summer of cricket, the Pakistani team are finally flying home tomorrow .. They`re booked on the 0850am flight from Heathrow to Leeds/Bradford airport .....

China has announced its team for the paraplegic Olympics ..... they are ...

1. Fu Kin Mon ..
2. Sim Pal Twat ..
3. Won Lim Gone ..
4. Won Kee Eye ..
5. Emile Heskey ...

That's wrong on so many levels!!!

I saw a Pakistani fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen i informed the emergency services. They still haven`t responded and i`m starting to think that i have wasted a second class stamp ....

Under new EU law, the word gypo is no longer politically correct ... They have to be called "Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers" ... or CUNTS for short ....

I used to think my dreams were f***ing crazy.
Then I heard Martin Luther King's ....

Just bought 3d TV ... It`s bloody great, I fell asleep watching the Liverpool game, when I woke up my wallet had gone!! ......