Any good jokes ?

Breaking News ....... Liverpool`s new owners have announced they will rename the team to give a more appropriate American feel ... They are to be called HUB CAP STEELER`S ... and they will now play at the San GIRO Stadium .....

Liverpool city council have refused Liverpool FC planning permission for a new ground on Stanley Park .... The reason being that a Circus is alright once a year but not every two weeks .....

I have tickets for the Comedy Club in a couple of weeks time but I can`t make it ... If anybody wants them let me know! They are good seats in the Anfield Road end .......

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "Yes, sir."
So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

I did hear that a girl went out to a nightclub one night............She met a black bloke and invited him back to her flat........After a few drinks, she plucked up the courage to say........'OK.........Show me if it's really true what they say about Black men!'

He stabbed her and knicked her purse!

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".

Last night I got kicked shitless by this 7ft tall black man with a massive affro ... All I said was golly you`re tall ....

Peter Andre has applied for a job in a Chilian coal mine .. He`s got 4 years experience humping slag and lifting a heavy spade ...

Just got 3d TV .. Fuck me it`s good .. I fell asleep during the Liverpool game, when I woke up my wallet had gone .....

The wife told me I couldn`t multitask, then how come I can listen to her moaning and not give a fuck at the same time ....

What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!....and O.J walked!

Winny wrote:I did hear that a girl went out to a nightclub one night............She met a black bloke and invited him back to her flat........After a few drinks, she plucked up the courage to say........'OK.........Show me if it's really true what they say about Black men!'

He stabbed her and knicked her purse!

win


dodi fayed and henry paul are at st peters gate............dodi turns round to henry and says.....you fucking idiot henry............i said i wanted to fuck di in the tunnel............not die in the fucking tunnel.......

bravolima wrote:Peter Andre has applied for a job in a Chilian coal mine .. He`s got 4 years experience humping slag and lifting a heavy spade ...

oh ffs......that made me laff good n proper

Why couldn't the polar bear eat the penguin?...
Coz he couldn't get the wrapper off!!.....

Wot do monkeys sing at christmas??.......
Jungle bells..jungle bells!!.....

Arn't they the crappiest jokes you ever heard.....

nah ....they ok......i see you had marks and sparks crimbo crackers aswell....

jezebel wrote:Why couldn't the polar bear eat the penguin?...
Coz he couldn't get the wrapper off!!.....

Wot do monkeys sing at christmas??.......
Jungle bells..jungle bells!!.....

Arn't they the crappiest jokes you ever heard.....

No jez ... i`ve read some of your other ones ..... only joking ....

Liverpool is the only city in the UK where JD Sports has an evening wear department .....

The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses, he must have been one hell of a salesman .....

I was in Starbucks and the guy in front of me said: "Can I get a skinny, black Americano?" I said: "Are you ordering a president?" ......

Its easy to slag off Lady Gaga ... but c`mon the guy puts on a good show .....

munchkin wrote:nah ....they ok......i see you had marks and sparks crimbo crackers aswell....

....close....they woz on penguin cake bar wrappers!!.......

bravolima wrote:

jezebel wrote:Why couldn't the polar bear eat the penguin?...
Coz he couldn't get the wrapper off!!.....

Wot do monkeys sing at christmas??.......
Jungle bells..jungle bells!!.....

Arn't they the crappiest jokes you ever heard.....

No jez ... i`ve read some of your other ones ..... only joking ....

................ ..

Yeah....I just posted one of my most favourite crappiest ones in the boneyard Bravo!!... ...It's the only joke I can remember off the top of my head..... ...oh...cept this one......

A Rasta getsa hold of a magic lamp and rubs it....genie asked the usual....."Wot do you want..blah blah".................Rasta says..." I wanna be uptight...outta sight....and in the groove man!!"...........

Genie turns him into a tampax!!.......

too Bravo!!...

My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it .....

After announcing he's getting married, a guy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt! "Whats the tartan?" asks his mate "Oh she'll be in a white dress" he replied ......

Dear Santa, This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body and please don`t get it backwards like you did last year .....