Any good jokes ?

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 19th December 2010, 9:18 pm

Old lady says to her hubby,"My nipples are as hot today as they was 50 years ago" Hubby replies,"They oughtta be. One's in your coffee the other's in your porridge."
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 19th December 2010, 9:19 pm

Paddy was at the bus stop when Mick pulls up in his car.. "Want a lift Paddy?" Paddy says "Better not Mick in case I miss my bus"
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 21st December 2010, 12:49 pm

lol lol lovin it!!...love the insanity one ...might try and remember it even!!........ cheers ..Merry Christmas sweet Bravo!!....and keep em coming....if ya know wot I mean!!.... Peck I wuv u

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Frog on 21st December 2010, 6:07 pm

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"


The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"


"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says,

"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Bones on 21st December 2010, 7:12 pm

lol lol lol NR NR rofl rofl

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 22nd December 2010, 8:15 pm

Jez, i know what you mean by keep it coming .... I will honest ..... lol
A very merry xmas to you and all the best for 2011 ... hoping all your dreams come true .... bh bye
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 24th December 2010, 4:32 pm

lol lol ..that remind me!!.....must get my nails cut!!...poor bleeder needs stitches sometimes!!... lol lol

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 24th December 2010, 4:34 pm

bravolima wrote:Jez, i know what you mean by keep it coming .... I will honest ..... lol
A very merry xmas to you and all the best for 2011 ... hoping all your dreams come true .... bh bye


lol Whip ....you know it dude!!............. Peck

I wuv u Bravo............thankyou!!.....and sweetness to you forever!!..........Merry christmas Bravo!!... bh

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Bones on 6th January 2011, 1:52 pm

Bristol Police investigating the Joanna Yeates case say the murderer stole one of her socks...........


Am I the only person thinking Heather Mills?? thinking Dunno

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Frog on 7th January 2011, 5:38 pm

lol lol lol

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 10th January 2011, 8:33 pm

Just seen the seating arrangement for Gerry Rafferty`s funeral ...
Clowns to the left, Jokers to the right .......




lol lol lol @ Bones ... very good 8/10 ...
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 10th January 2011, 8:35 pm

forget student fees, go to prison & get a degree, with free meals, lodging and voting rights too, paid for by the tax payer......
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 11th January 2011, 3:33 pm

mutley NR!!!

Happy New Year Dear Bravo!!.......... Peck


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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 12th January 2011, 8:14 pm

Happy New Year to you too jez bh hope you have a great 2011 ... bye takecare
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 13th January 2011, 4:01 pm

Hey Bravo......... bh for you!!


This guy goes out one night and gets absolutely paralectic!!
Wakes up the next morning next to the ugliest bird he'd ever seen!!
It was then he realised he'd got home safely!!......

mutley

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Bones on 14th January 2011, 1:54 pm

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for her advice on a long marriage. She Replied...........

"Wear a seatbelt & don't piss me off!!" Thud

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 14th January 2011, 3:53 pm

scratch I don't get it!!.......... Embarassed

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Bones on 25th January 2011, 8:36 am

Thud Rolling Eyes Okay, lets hope you get this one then.....

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit' ? NR Smarty

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Bones on 28th January 2011, 12:49 pm

Just For Men are using Sian Massey, The infamous lineswoman, for their next commercial.

One sign of her & the Grey is gone...... Laughing

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by jezebel on 28th January 2011, 1:03 pm

lol kay...I get both them ones!!..... lol

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by lizziebear on 28th January 2011, 10:11 pm

IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have craped in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don 't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by lizziebear on 28th January 2011, 10:14 pm

Little Johnny tells mum
"Mummy, at playtime, I saw Daddy's car go in the woods with Aunty jane
Oh said Mum carry on''
Jack & me sneaked out & saw them kissing &
Stop!" Said Mum
Why don't u tell us all tonight so Daddy can hear too

Later Johnny, told them.....
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods near school, me & Jack went into the woods too & saw daddy kissing Aunty Jane then they took their clothes off & did that thing that Mummy & Uncle Bob do when Daddy's at work
Mum fainted....

The moral of this story is;

Women should always shut the fuck up,
listen & let people finish before interrupting .
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by lizziebear on 28th January 2011, 10:25 pm

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by lizziebear on 28th January 2011, 10:27 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today..'

As the mother began to smile, the child added............

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by lizziebear on 31st January 2011, 12:35 pm


In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started
looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink.

He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old,
grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you
don't give me the job, I'll tell who's the father!"








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