Any good jokes ?

Some of these are quite good!

– David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.

– The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six.

– I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.

– I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

– What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

– Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied: “No way. You got yourself into this mess. Don’t ask me to sort it out!”

– What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

– Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.

– I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

– What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.

– What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

Brilliant!

great to see you back wg, and on top form as well.

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

I lead myself right into that one eh?

THE PENIS TATTOO

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says: "Where have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill
on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. number two, once in a
while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going
out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want!"

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of
the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in
my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used
to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!"

A group of four guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One day one of them transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him and playing with only three.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes 'but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers and finally one of the men asked her point blank"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. "That's easy" she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice I would pull the covers off him. If his c o c k was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed, if it was pointed to the left I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back" ....But what if it's pointing straight up?" ......She said ... "Then~~I'm fifteen minutes late."

Policeman on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did santa give you that?" "Yes" replies the little girl, "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year" and fined her £5, the little girl looked up at the policeman and said, "Nice horse you got there, did santa bring you that?" the policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did" well said the little girl, "Next year tell santa the Dick goes under the horse, not on top"......

Q. What's pink and hairy and sticks out of your pyjama`s in the morning ?

A. Your head ............

A drunk spots an unhappy young lady in a country and western bar and asks her: "What's wrong?" "Well" she sobs "I got my favourite country singers faces tattooed on my body but my boyfriend says they are such poor quality he can't make them out". " Maybe you can tell who they are?" she says and hikes up her skirt to reveal Hank Williams on one thigh and Johnny Cash on the other, "Hmmm" says the drunk: "I don't know about those two but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson" .....

One rainy spring night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. “Walker Road "answered the woman."
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at?”

"Well Pet, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and
I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Haven`t you got owt smaller?" ................

Paddy`s wife gave birth to triplets and paddy asks how it happened, His wife says "Do you remember about nine months ago, I was very dry and we couldn't find the vaseline. I used 3 in 1 oil instead" Paddy says " Thank F**K you didn't use WD40" .....

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "The African calmly answers...."One of them is a cannibal."

A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee, croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:

American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"

South African: "Of course."

American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa."

American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

South African: "Of course."

American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to

South Africa."

South African: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Of course we do."

South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?"

American: "Throw them away of course."

South African: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."

Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:-

"You got Male!"

Got to admire Emile Heskey ... has a disasterous World Cup .... comes home, puts a frock on and wins the womens title at Wimbledon!!! ....

I can`t believe how everyone is having a pop at Emile Heskey, saying he has no talent ... I thought he was F***ing brilliant in The Green Mile ...

Gerrard, Rooney and Carragher have brought their kids vuvezulas back from Africa .... The kids are said to be over the moon as they can now syphon petrol much quicker than the other scouse kids ....

Three women were on a flight when the captain suddenly announced:....
#“Please prepare for a crash landing!”
The first woman immediately began putting on her jewellery..
#“Why are you doing that?” asked the other two...
#“Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first“
The second woman not wishing to be outdone, then began removing her top and bra...
#“Why are you doing that?#“ asked her two friends....
#“Well, when they come to rescue us they will see what great tits I have and will pick me up first“
Not wishing to be outdone, the third woman, who was a West Indian, started taking off her skirt and panties....
#“Why are you doing that?#“ asked the other two....
#“Well, they always search for the black box first!!#“.....

A young teenager came home from school and asked her mother: #“Is it true what Sarah has just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their willies?#“
#“Yes, dear“ replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn`t have to explain it.....
The girl looked mystified. #“But then when I have a baby, won`t it knock my teeth out?”