Any good jokes ?

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 6th June 2010, 8:44 pm

lol lol lol lol
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Guest on 6th June 2010, 10:38 pm

lol lol lol lol nice one johno

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Guest on 6th June 2010, 10:40 pm

rofl rofl rofl lol!

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rastus n lisa

Post by Guest on 8th June 2010, 7:34 pm

Rastus n Lisa get,s wed and Rastus get,s work on the bins . wasn't much of a living but they were happy . for a while anyway, Rastis comes home one evening to find Lisa ,,gone bag s packed and just gone
Rastus takes to the drink ,loses his job and becomes a street bum.
one day he s sittin on the sidewalk and a big limo passes by screeches to a halt n reverses back to him . the rear window winds down and this familiar voice say s Rastis , Rastis boy wat ya doin there on the streets.
Rastus looks up and there,s his beloved Lisa sittin in the back seat

watcha doin in that fine car he asks
well said Lisa i got fed up livin in poverty with you so i went n got myself a rich white sugar daddy n he gave me this car n a penthouse n this diamonds here on ma arm .
huh says Rastus that right huh . well whats he think about your big black tit s huh
Lisa says he loves ma big black tits, kisses n hugs em
Rastus just a little peeved now say s well wat s he think o your big black ass then huh?
Lisa say s well he just loves ma big black ass , he even kisses n cuddles it. so huh
now Rastus is really peeved and say s well what do, s your white sugar daddy think o your big black cunt huh.
lisa smiles and says Rastus we never talks about you.

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 8th June 2010, 7:49 pm

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol Waving
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Frog on 15th June 2010, 8:27 pm

Proof That The World Is Nuts




In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No Golf Clubs . . . I hear a 3 iron works well.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England &n bsp;- but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet..

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 16th June 2010, 11:20 pm

NEWCASTLE TAXI FARE

One rainy spring night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. “Walker Road "answered the woman."
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at?”

"Well Pet, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and
I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Haven`t you got owt smaller?"
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 19th June 2010, 2:56 pm

I ordered a chinese last night, when the chinky bloke came to the door he said: "Twenty pound please" .. I said: "What`s the name of Jordan`s cross-eyed kid?" He said: "Halfey Price" .. so I replied: "Nice one, there`s a tenner, now **** off" ......
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 19th June 2010, 2:57 pm

South African police admit they`re having trouble with drug dealers, thieves and sex fiends ... They`ve confirmed that things will improve when John Terry and his family go home ....
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by bravolima on 19th June 2010, 2:57 pm

Bloke walks into a Brothel and says: "I`m a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies: "£37.50" ... he replies: "WOW, what do i get for that?" she says: "A F***ing England Shirt" ....
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Bones on 29th June 2010, 9:41 am

Some of these are quite good!

– David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.

– The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six.

– I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.

– I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

– What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

– Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied: “No way. You got yourself into this mess. Don’t ask me to sort it out!”

– What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

– Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.

– I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

– What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.

– What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Frog on 29th June 2010, 9:55 am

lol Brilliant! lol

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when insults had class

Post by Guest on 29th June 2010, 1:51 pm

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner(about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang(1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

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a real man

Post by Guest on 29th June 2010, 1:54 pm

A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of beer. lol

Never mind! lol lol

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Guest on 29th June 2010, 2:34 pm

trust you Shocked lol!

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Guest on 29th June 2010, 2:44 pm

im just me lol

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Guest on 29th June 2010, 4:08 pm

as always Raspberry rofl rofl

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 29th June 2010, 5:05 pm





great to see you back wg, and on top form as well. lol lol
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 29th June 2010, 5:10 pm






mutley mutley mutley mutley mutley mutley
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by Guest on 29th June 2010, 5:31 pm

i wouldnt mind being ontop of a female form at this minute ffs lol

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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 29th June 2010, 11:29 pm







lol lol mutley mutley lol lol
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 29th June 2010, 11:41 pm


Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied.
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 29th June 2010, 11:53 pm


The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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Re: Any good jokes ?

Post by sabbi on 30th June 2010, 12:03 am




I lead myself right into that one eh? lol
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The Penis Tattoo

Post by sabbi on 30th June 2010, 12:39 am

THE PENIS TATTOO

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says: "Where have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill
on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. number two, once in a
while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going
out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want!"


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