Jealousy

Hey Ty........

Yes!!.... ...and I hate the emotion!!.......I am learning to curb it though and I check myself!!.........Mine is not too excessive I must add!!.....I recognize it for the crap that it is...and can cause!!....And I have nice jealousy...and horrible jealousy!!......example..nice = I'm jealous of my sister who has a lovely tidy life!!......but I'm happy for her!!.......Horrible jealousy = I'm jealous of my hubbys ex..who has his kids...coz she comes before me always!!........

Luckily the more I start to hate him the less jealous I feel these days!!....

Hey Ty.........

Well it's like this Ty...my sisiter has been married to same guy since teens..has two lovely smart kids....lovely home....good job.....and she's never had any really major catastrophies.....and I am soooo jealous coz I want that...my lifes the complete opposite. ..It's more like envy!!...which can be a good thing as it can create inspiration.

The other jealous thing is pure evil..although understandable...and I have been known to completely fly off the handle........ ..and whack him!!.... ...that one is.....insecurity!!.... ......It's all wrong coz though I resent her....it's not her fault...that jealousy makes me angry!!......

Yeah...s'funny Ty.....but I kinda no longer give a sh*it about him.....and coz he doesn't matter so nor does she!!...... ....jealousy cured!!..

Tytonidae wrote:Sexual or otherwise, does it stem from insecurity, or intense envy, dragging one down.. therefore pointless - Or, is it a legitimate emotion, heightening feelings and motivational?

Do you feel this emotion?

In my opinion it could stem from any of those. It depends on what type of jealousy the person has, what they are jealous about. The root will dictate the stem.

As for feeling it, I think everyone does at some point in life for some reason. Whether it be fleeting or overwhelming it's something which we, as humans, cannot escape.

It's not the Jealousy which matters, it's how we deal with that jealousy which counts.

Ty...wot happened to your other two threads!!...... ....did I say something wrong again!!.......

ignore me...I'm looking in the wrong place!!......ha ha!!.........

The stem is within us, but, in my opinion, not quite set. For instance:
Being jealous about the way someone looks would probably stem from some kind of insecurity about ones own looks.
Being Jealous about something which another possess that you don't would more than likely stem from envy.

I don't see jealousy as a strength or a weakness. As has been said, it's how well we manage to manipulate that jealousy which decides whether it is our strength or our Achilles heel

I don't believe I do. I don't believe I ever have & I'm unsure if I ever will

Jealousy at the beginning of a relationship?? People seriously get Jealous at the beginning of a relationship?? ...... Actually...... Scratch that. Thinking back it's not as uncommon as I thought. I've never felt a stab of jealousy at the beginning of a relationship, but I've been in relationships with people who, looking back, clearly did experience this emotion from the start.

Do you think it might be something to do with "Tarring people with the same brush"?

Tytonidae wrote:Sexual or otherwise, does it stem from insecurity, or intense envy, dragging one down.. therefore pointless - Or, is it a legitimate emotion, heightening feelings and motivational?

Do you feel this emotion?

I have always sort of thought that these sorts of negative emotions stem from fear, just like Yoda said in Star Wars

Fear is always at the root of anger and I guess it must be true for jealousy to. The intensity of the jealousy will have several contributing factors which all tie into your own insecurities.

Par Examplar: The first 4 serious girlfriends (that is the ones I believed I was in love with at the time) all cheated on me. As a result of this I let paranoia and jealousy ruin another relationship I had later on. It wasn't till I realised what I was doing that I could do anything about it, it all seemed like reasonable behaviour to me, why shouldn't I read her emails or her phone? If she has nothing to hide then it shouldn't matter. I guess I needed to realise that couples can have things to themselves without betraying each other.

My insecurities could be easily traced back to my previous experiences so it was easier for me to deal with but it could stem from the way your parents treated you, whether they stayed together, how they treated each other, how you interacted with your friends as a child. I'm sure the list is endless but the point is that if you are experiencing jealousy then you need to take a very critical look at your behaviour and try to make sense of where it's coming from.

"...but what may couples have to themselves that the other shouldn't see?"

Nothing that 'shoudn't' be seen but having parts of your life to yourself is perfectly healthy for a relationship. If you want to talk to someone about your relationship, for example, and would like a friends take on things (good or bad) then it would be counter-productive to involve your partner in the discussion as it would inhibit yours and your friends responses. Maybe it shouldn't but I think we both know that due to our own social conditioning it would be difficult to speak frankly about someone with them in the room.

"Did you not have this sexual jealousy with the first four then LP?"

I was thinking about this while writing and I really don't think I did at first, she went to uni and I didn't once think that her good friend 'Joe' the rugby player was any kind of a threat at all. After that I was more aware and perhaps to the detriment of all my future relationships, I certainly preferred the guy I was before the harsh reality of pain and heartache was shown to me.

"I think this doubting of people comes down to the absoloute awareness of the flawed nature of human character"

I don't think so, you can only really know how your mind works and maybe you're transmitting your own human failings across the species. I'm pretty sure we're all quite uniquely flawed

"..and you can get along nicely without trusting people, not a prerequisite for love, imo"

For some people this is absolutely true but what a shame it is to never take that risk. The pain might be severe but in my experience the high was always worth it Love doesn't need trust but a relationship is dead in tyhe water without it.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to live your life unaware that people can hurt you so badly though? Why can't this happen for some people, why do we all have to see the worst in everyone?

Sometimes talking to an outside party can give you the kind of perspective you need to fix something that you can't find a solution for on your own. How could striving to secure your relationship be anything other than a good thing to do?

Syl wrote:NR..Do you mean if a person has been cheated on in the past they may find it hard to trust who they are with at present?

I think real jealousy, ..that really powerful emotion,.. comes from within a person, and does'nt have much to do with reality. You hear about people being "consumed" by jealousy. I dont think how a person is acting TOWARDS them comes into it. Its what they imagine has or will happen, and it often destroys a relationship.

Yes, that's what I mean. As the saying goes "Once bitten, twice shy". As humans we generally learn best by trial & error, this is great when it comes to dealing with other things, but when it's interaction with other humans then it's not always so great. Once something hurts us we must find ways to ensure that hurt doesn't happen again. Some people go to extremes and cut themselves off from people altogether, some people cut themselves off from anyone who is like the person who hurt them, Some people just get on with it and hope it was a one off and other people try to get on with things but must be in control of what's going on so that there are no surprises.

I think people who suffer from jealousy towards a partner fall into the latter category. How many times have we heard women say "Men can't be trusted" just because one man hurt her? And how often are we slightly more guarded because of someone who broke our trust at an earlier date? As LP said, it's fear at the root of it. The fear of being hurt again or being made to look a fool again.

I think jealousy is quite a natural emotion which no one can escape. It's just a question of whether we control our jealousy or whether we allow our jealousy to control us......

Tytonidae wrote:

LP wrote:Sometimes talking to an outside party can give you the kind of perspective you need to fix something that you can't find a solution for on your own. How could striving to secure your relationship be anything other than a good thing to do?

It's weak. Make your own mind up.

That's like saying don't make any mistakes in the first place.

Is it not wise to seek advice from those who have been through similar situations in life? It's only advice which one seeks. They must still make up their own mind as to what to do from there.........

Nothing is absolute in the human mind, you're own perspective is bound to alter your opinion on any given subject to the degree where you fail to comprehend an alternative scenario. Outside influence can help to level your thoughts and emotions. This cannot always be done by yourself, particularly if you are of a less self exploratory mindset.

But it would be easier to say just don't make any mistakes wouldn't it?

That's a bit of a contradiction is it not Ty??

Tytonidae wrote:I wouldn't like the thought of another knowing. Real quality in a relationship is when this stuff remains strictly private, apart from when I tell my mum of course

Personally I quite like the thought of sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with several people, I like the closeness that this kind of openness can inspire and the friendships it can galvanise. Sharing is what brings us together as a people and it's a beautiful thing, the less we do it the less we know ourselves imo.

LP wrote:Personally I quite like the thought of sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with several people, I like the closeness that this kind of openness can inspire and the friendships it can galvanise. Sharing is what brings us together as a people and it's a beautiful thing, the less we do it the less we know ourselves imo.

That has the potential to cause problems though does it not? For instance, confiding in a friend about something a girlfriend has done could make that friend look at the girlfriend in a different light should they not agree........ From my experiences, this can cause massive problems within the relationship…..

NR_TOAB wrote:

LP wrote:Personally I quite like the thought of sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with several people, I like the closeness that this kind of openness can inspire and the friendships it can galvanise. Sharing is what brings us together as a people and it's a beautiful thing, the less we do it the less we know ourselves imo.

That has the potential to cause problems though does it not? For instance, confiding in a friend about something a girlfriend has done could make that friend look at the girlfriend in a different light should they not agree........ From my experiences, this can cause massive problems within the relationship…..

Agreed, it's not always a great idea to open up about everything but having said that if your girlfriend has done something that makes your friend see her in a bad light then perhaps you should be seeing that to

It's never black and white but my point is that solid couples should trust each other enough to allow them to have time with friends and be themselves.

Very true indeed LP

Tytonidae wrote:

LP wrote:

Tytonidae wrote:I wouldn't like the thought of another knowing. Real quality in a relationship is when this stuff remains strictly private, apart from when I tell my mum of course

Personally I quite like the thought of sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with several people, I like the closeness that this kind of openness can inspire and the friendships it can galvanise. Sharing is what brings us together as a people and it's a beautiful thing, the less we do it the less we know ourselves imo.

There's quality in the way you feel this Lily, I feel the bonding you speak of, I think its true what you say here, in the main (dont know about that knowing yourself bit) but its not for me I don't think, as I just do not take the step into trusting random folk.

You just need better scanning equipment Ty, some of us random people would do anything to keep from betraying your trust no matter who you are