Any good jokes ?

Alex Higgins is due to be buried in a peaceful corner of a cemetery, at one side of him will be a Chinaman and on the other side will be a Jamaican, and in front of him will be a P . a . k . i ... A family spokesman has said he`s completely snookered behind the yellow, black and brown ...

Women have got no sense of humour, My wife didn't find it as funny as I did when I replaced one of her tampons with a party popper.

Pakistani plane crash kills all 152 passengers onboard .... both families are said to be devastated .....

The inquest has opened into the pakistani plane crash where 152 people were killed .....


Why on earth was that plane allowed to take off with 48 empty seats ??? .....

Experts are worried about the mental state of President Obama after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins ......

I`ve managed to run over 8 muslim women in the last 5 days .... That I believe, makes me officially, Bradfords new drive through burka king .....

Paddy`s wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests, the doctor suggests Paddy`s wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm so his friend suggests they swap .. "I`II shag her and you waft the towel" ... Paddy agrees and within minutes Paddy`s wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever .... Paddy turns to his friend and slowly says .."And that my old son is how you waft a f . . . ing towel" ......

Jack is climbing up his beanstalk and meets an old naked lady. She says "fuck me now or climb the beanstalk to success " jack decides to carry on up the beanstalk and meets a middle aged naked woman. She says "fuck me now or climb the beanstalk to success" jack thinks to himself "the first one was minging, the second one was ok, the next ones gonna be a hot young stunner" and decides to carry on climbing. A while passes and he comes across a bald, overweight hairy man, "hi" says the man, "I'm cess.......

Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. "I want a female horth" he said to a dealer who shows him a mare. "Nithe horth. Can I thee her eythe"? Dealer picks him up & shows him it's eyes. "Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her teeth"? He lifts dwarf & shows him her teeth. "Nithe teeth. Can I thee her twot"? He lifts him up, shoves his head up the mares fanny & pulls it out a few seconds later. "I'll reefaze that. Can I thee her wun awound"? ........

My wife just gave birth to our first children. The midwife just told me we've got triplets. "For a man your age to father triplets, you must be pretty stacked down below," said the midwife, obviously impressed by my manly prowess. Head held high and proud, chest puffed out and biceps flexing I responded, "I have got qu...ite a chimney yes."
She smiled. "Best go get it swept then, they're all black."

Jesus and God are chilling in heaven when the doorbell rings.
God goes to the door and finds Allah waiting by the door.
God turns to Jesus and asks: "Did you order Kebab?"

A new map of the world has been drawn... The North Pole is at the top, the South Pole is at the bottom & every other f****** pole is in Britain!!

My mate's just decorated his living room - there's stuff all over the place and everything is covered in dust sheets.

Lucky B******: I'm sat here watching England and he gets to watch paint dry.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
If you live in pakistan
you'll need a submarine!!

In tune with the theme song of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"

In down town Pakistan, Born And Raised
In a mud hut is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out Maxin out, scrappin for food
And shooting up infidals outside of school
When a couple of clouds, they were up to no good
Starting soaking everything in my neighbourhood
We had one big flood but nobody cares
So we're all moving to England where we get free health care

Now, I'm not saying Coleen Rooney is as thick as Wayne, but when she heard he'd paid £1,200 for a 19 year old Escort, she asked if it was Taxed & MOT'd!!!!

George Michael's settled well in Prison. He's already written a song about his skinhead Cell mate..... It will be his new single called "Hairless Fister"

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
recently, to get my t esticles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!" ....

Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims
cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more
appropriate!

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"

People say that because of global warming the next generation won`t see polar bears ... Well I haven`t seen dinosaurs ... no big deal is it ????

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's
daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I
hope you used something though?"
He replied: "Yeah, a balaclava!"

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to
him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten
minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat
it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind
up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African
woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had
told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

I took a dyslexic girl home last night, she ended up cooking my sock....