Any good jokes ?

Ireland`s worst air disaster occurred early this morning, when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Blind man late at night pass's a fish & Chip shop and shouts.....

"Goodnight Ladies!"

How to impress a woman……

Wine her, dine her, hug her, hold her, compliment her, cuddle her, give her jewellery, buy her flowers and hold her hand….

How to impress a man…..

Turn up Naked, bring some Beer…..

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading this...

- You hang in there sunshine!

I was living the life of luxury. I had it all a 50in widescreen TV, PS3, home gym, woodwork shop, 5 star meals and health care.....Then they released me from prison.

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist, and this is one of these occasions.

Just as he reaches the Papal climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," says the Pope, "you can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and, after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million pounds.

The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million pounds" replies the Pope.

"TWO Million pounds!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

bravolima ..... wonders why fridge has a D in it, but refrigerator hasn't .....

Yes, I`m tired.... For several years I`ve been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, the greenhouse effect, dieting, nightshift, wax building up, & another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living. I`ve now found out that:

*I`M TIRED BECAUSE I`M OVERWORKED*

The population of this country is 51 million, of which 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work
19 million are at school, leaving 11 million to do the work. Of this total 2 million are unemployed & 4 million work for the Government. That`s leaving 5 million to do the work. 1 million are in the Armed Forces & 3 million are employed by County & Borough Councils. Cutting the number of people who work to 1 million.
There are 620,000 people in Hospital & 379,998 in prison. That leaves 2 people actually working, You & Me. You are sitting on your Arse reading this.

**NO WONDER I`M BLOODY TIRED**

bravolima wrote:bravolima ..... wonders why fridge has a D in it, but refrigerator hasn't .....

...hey Bravo Bravo......... ..I always wondered that too!!....I also wonder how worms re-produce!!......... ...funny life innit!!.........

jezebel wrote:

bravolima wrote:bravolima ..... wonders why fridge has a D in it, but refrigerator hasn't .....

...hey Bravo Bravo......... ..I always wondered that too!!....I also wonder how worms re-produce!!......... ...funny life innit!!.........

Jez .... Wonder no more about how worms reproduce ...............


Worms are 'hermaphrodites' which means they have both male and female reproductive organs. When a worm is about 4 - 6 weeks old, a white band forms around their anterior (head). This is called a 'clitellum'.

The clitellum' has both sets of organs in it, which means the worm is neither male or female, but both.

Despite having both sets of organs, worms do need another worm to mate with. Worms join together with their heads facing in opposite directions and sperm is passed from one worm to another and stored in sacs.

A cocoon is then formed on each of the worms clitellums. As the worms back out of the narrowing cocoons, sperm and eggs are deposited in the cocoons. The cocoons then close and fertilization takes place.
The cocoons are tiny and yellow-coloured and can hold between 1 - 5 worms.

Conditions have to be just right for the cocoons to hatch. If it is dry, the cocoons can lay dormant for years and hatch when conditions have improved.

When the baby worms hatch, they are only about half an inch long and a whitish colour. Parent worms do not nurse their young, the babies are on their own as soon as they are born. It takes about 6 weeks for the baby worm to grow to adult size, they are then able to mate with other worms and begin the reproductive cycle again.


Oh by the way jez, you`re avatar is ............... well ............ different .................

Dear Walkers Crisps,
Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag? ....

When on Mastermind it's best to follow Raoul Moat's example: if under intense pressure just take a shot in the dark .............

Manchester City have officially bid £45m for Raoul Moat.
They've no idea who he is, but they've heard everyone's after him ..........

I've just phoned the police to tell them that Raoul Moat is in the morgue.
Apparently, I'm not eligible for the £10,000 reward ...........

I tried to give Raoul Moat a lesson on gun safety, but it went in one ear, out the other ..........

With the new premier league season only a month away, Argos has seen a huge increase in 3D TV sales by Manchester United, Liverpool Chelsea and Arsenal fans.

I myself have been watching my football team in 3D for years, by actually going to football games .......

I bought my son an Ipod for his birthday .... I bought my daughter an Iphone for hers .... and then I thought I would buy myself the new Ipad ... then to keep my wife happy I bought her the Iron .....

My wife keeps nagging me by saying .. "You only want sex when you`re drunk" .. That`s not true, sometimes I fancy a kebab ....

I couldn`t find that f .... ing thingy that turns the TV over, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... They said she left me yesterday ........

Went to a muslim stag do last night .... and all the blokes were singing .... "Get your FACE out for the lads" .......

Just got thrown out of my local mosque ... I was stood there during prayers .... and .... well .... I couldn`t help myself ... I F ... ING love leapfrog

It has emerged that Alex Higgins wanted to be buried on the sofa he had spent the last year on, but the undertakers couldn`t get it in the hearse ... So he went in off two cushions !! .....